When Life Gets Hard
Alternative title; When Life Gives You Lemons, Eat Chocolate Cake! Hmmm…maybe not the best plan to eat chocolate cake, but at least it’s delicious! When life gets hard, daily tasks become impossible. All the responsibility; taking care of your kids, house, pets, work obligations, friendships, and yourself. How the hell are we suppose to do it all? I was killing it at the 131 Diet program I am doing. KILLING IT. I was so proud of myself…but honestly still felt like crap. Miss impatient over here, I assumed I would have been cured after 3 weeks and when I wasn’t, I was pissed. WTF. Sure I lost a lot of bloat, sure my clothes felt better, and ya…I wasn’t binge eating to make myself feel better so that is all progress right? Yes. Progress…but not perfection, and I prefer perfection over progress. I sit here now, after completely going off track for over a week. A week of pizza, donuts, frozen yogurt, ice cream, and a lot of chipotle. Honestly it could have been worse, but my poor body had a terrible reaction from the change in eating extremely clean and high fat to ingesting a ton of processed foods. The inside of my mouth went raw, canker sores, a cold sore, a stie in my eye, and then a terrible cold.
After much reflection I was thinking why the heck did I do this, after so much hard work? I feel like I am back to square one. I felt so sorry for myself this past week, but seriously, I just cant take the pressure any more. The pressure for perfection. The pressure to miraculously cure myself from all these health issues my doctor cant even figure out. The pressure to be the best mom that cooks her children the healthiest food in all of the land and never allows her kids to watch tv. The perfect pet owner that walks her dog daily. The perfect wife that has the house clean, food cooked, laundry done, emotionally and physically always available. The perfect self…that eats healthy, exercises regularly, keeps up with her social life, spends time relaxing, and enjoys things in moderation. The “shoulds” and the guilt overtakes me DAILY. Why do us moms put so much pressure on ourselves to be the best? Then, when we are the best, it still isn’t good enough.
When Will I Be Enough?
When can we consider ourselves to be enough? I feel like I am constantly defending my actions because of what is perceived of what I should be doing. The stress will eat us alive. Likely why I am in the current predicament of my health now. Where does all this pressure come from? Definitely not my husband (luckily he is really chill and extremely understanding), and my friends and family don’t pressure me to be perfect. So why do I put so much pressure on myself? Is it the comparison to others moms we face every day? The comparison of other co-workers/friends?
I find myself in a tough situation now, my FMLA leave is up in a few weeks, and all the hard work I put in these last few months haven’t been enough and I don’t feel better. How discouraging is that?! I am not ready to go back to work, and wish I had more time to focus on my health and mental wellbeing. I wish insurance companies covered more naturopathic ways of testing and treatment. I wish my insurance covered more therapy visits, instead of only 1 a month (if your lucky and if your schedule magically matches with your therapist). I guess those wishes aren’t real life. I know I have it good, so good. I have such an amazing husband, healthy kids, and a supportive family. I just wish I could be better. Better at being better.
Thanks for sticking with me through these rambles 😉 I am feeling so overwhelmed lately, it helps to get it out. I hope this resonates with some of you. Learning to give ourselves grace and room for imperfection is the key. I truly feel like somewhere, somehow there is a reason for all of this and an ultimate plan. Any comfort I have is knowing that everything happens for a reason, and this will just make me a stronger, better, happier person. Now to go calm down and wait to see what happens…